Irene Moore's Home Page At The University of Cincinnati Department of Family Medicine
Old Age Jokes
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Here They Are!
Guess Who's Coming
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in Florida and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Alabama and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares, Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
From Roger Mcgathethy
Wedding Proposal
There were these two elderly people living in a Yuma, Arizona mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a
number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally
gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
I Forget
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. she yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".
The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
Who Gets To Heaven
All mice and a cats go to heaven. When they get there, Saint Peter gives the mice roller skates as a reward for being so good. When Saint Peter asked the cats what they liked best about heaven, they said, "The meals on wheels!"
You Know You're Old When....
you play a slot machine in Atlantic City and it comes up three prunes.
you bend over to tie your laces and you look around to see if there's anything else to do while you're down there.
"happy hour" is a nap
you're sitting in a rocker and can't get it started.
Why I Got Into Geriatrics
I got into geriatrics for the money. There's none in it and I didn't want any!
Mrs. Roosevelt
Someone asked Mrs. Eleanor Roosevelt how she dealt with jet lag and she said, "I change my watch!"
President Reagan
President Reagan was visiting a elder home and asked a patron if he knew who he was. The patron looked at him and said that he did not know but if he went to the front desk they would know!
George Burn
George Burns was asked if his doctor complained about his smoking and drinking and George replied, "He doesn't say anything, he's dead!"
Guess What's In The Hand
A elder woman proclaimed in a group that if anybody could guess what she had in her hand, they could sleep with her that night. A patron said, "A baby elephant," she said, "That's close enough!"
A man in his eighties was asked if he married a young girl because she was good looking. "No," he said," she can drive at night!"
Strom Thurman
Strom Thurman was flying on a airplane. The plane was landing and the attendant asked him to put his tray table in the upright position. He said, "You'll have to do it. I can't get anything in the upright position!"
Presidential Underwear
President Clinton, Senator Dole Ross Perot were asked what kind of underwear they used. Clinton said he used briefs. Perot said he used boxer shorts. Dole said, "It depends!"
Oldest Living Woman
The oldest living woman who is 121 and living in France was asked if she had any crinkles. She replied, "Just one and I'm sitting on it!"
Senator Bob Dole
Senator Bob Dole visited a nursing home recently. He was looking for a younger running mate!
Stages of Life
There are four stages of life: Childhood, Adolescence, Adulthood and then "Gee you look good!"
Great Photo
That is a great photo of you it hides at least two of your double chins!
What's Your Name?
Two octogenarians met for the first time and one asked the other, "And by the way, what is your name?" The other said after a long pause, replied, "And when do you need to know?"
Memory
What is the shortest part of a elderly male's body? His memory!
Sunday Morning Romp
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Polly went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Polly suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."
Please send jokes to: moorei@email.uc.edu
Irene Moore
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231 Bethesda Avenue; Cincinnati, OH 45221-0504
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