Program: December 12^th, 1963

A Faculty Meeting in Old Tech

OR

“The Most Well-made Plans of Mice and Men”

A Short Play

By: An Unknown Author (He wishes it this way)

Characters (In order of their appearance):

Dr. William “Maid in Japan” Jenks………………………………......Bob Jones

Professor Richard “Dow-Jones” Durrell…………………………...Dave Ford

Dr. Frank “One-Thumb” Koucky……………………………...….Jerry Schaber

Dr. Len “Big-Picture” Larsen…………………………………....…Gene Simms

Dr. Harvey “U-Stage” Sunderman……………………………..…...Ken Shubak

Dr. Hans “3 T’s” Hofmann……………………………………….....Bill McClellan

Dr. Kenneth “Helicoplacoidea” Caster………………………….…Ron Parsley

Dr. Warren “Hoot” Huff……………………………………………….…Ozzie Nye

Dr. George “Peking Man” Barbour…………………………………………...

SCENE I: Dr. Jenk’s office – or – The Torture Chamber….

A Recent Faculty Meeting

Scene II: Geology Research Lab – or – The NSF Memorial Smoking Lounge

Christmas Party 1963

Scene I: Recent Faculty Meeting

(Durrell is talking on the phone)

Dr. Jenks: I guess you all know why I have brought together. It seems to me that it gives the students a moral boost if they see the entire faculty together in the building at any one time! …Oh, Richard, could you a little more softly on the phone? I can hardly be heard! Thanks!

Mr. Durrell: Uh-huh—yes---Well you work on it—right—I’ll send you a check just as soon as I am satisfied with the paint job you’re doing on my house.---Right—okay—see you at 6:07 Lucille. (hangs up phone)

Jenks: The first order of business today is to discuss the four-day fieldtrip in Kentucky. Let’s hear some comments – pro or con – on the trip. Yes, Frank.

Koucky: Uh – I thought it was a rather good trip in all, especially the evenings! Right Bill! I heard you had quite a time with Polly in Winchester and…

Jenks: (interrupting) Well – uh – um – I’ve been in worse towns (smile) Frank.

Larsen: (shaking his head in Larsen manner) I…ah…saw a few…ah…fine…ah…fishing spots on the trip….didn’t you Harvey?

Sunderman: Hell yes, Len, maybe we could get some money from the Bucher fund and go down there for a weekend of fishing over the Holidays.

Hofmann: Tabernak!!!

Larsen: Now what’s HE mad about?!

Sunderman: Len, I think Hans thought he was flying out to Montana to see some geology this summer.

Larsen: I wonder where he got THAT idea!!

Caster: Well, I thought the first two days of the field trip were fine – simply superb – but, after that I heard it went down-hill!

(Rest of faculty groans!!!)

Caster: I believe the verbal squabble over the Tertiary sink hole was very stimulating and generated a good image in the student’s minds as to how problems are solved by controversy…majority rules.

Koucky: Yes, the Mississippian Sink Hole discussion was a high point of the field trip, isn’t that right Warren?

Huff: (strums guitar and sings) Oh, it was sad, it was sad….

Jenks: The next item on the agenda today is the financial state of the department and the new proposals to be submitted…Harvey, do you have the figures on the optics equipment purchased this far this year?

Sunderman: Yes Bill – so far this quarter we have received 22 new research scopes, plus point counters, extra objectives, etc. for each scope plus 10 universal stages, and new double variation equipment. This totals up to roughly $234,898.

Jenks: Say, Harvey! It sounds like our students will really know their optics with such fine equipment…Oh, how many do you have in optics this quarter?

Sunderman: Three, counting Gene Simms.

Koucky: How do they like the new scopes, Harvey?

Sunderman: Oh! I don’t let them use the new scopes, Frank, the old scopes are good enough. And besides, we faculty members are assigned all the NEW equipment.

Jenks: Then how’s the budget for the research lab holding out so far this year?

Larsen: Ah…to be truthful Bill, we have spent the entire budget for the year already.

Hofmann: Colise! How did you manage that, Len?

Larsen: Welll, I collected a lot of rocks in Scandinavia which had to be sent here and I took a lot of color slides and…there was Montana….and….

Caster: Hell, Len, grow up!!!

Durrell: I remember when I was Dept. Head last year, we stayed within our budget. Well, Len, I could let you have a little something to tide you over the rest of the year.

Larsen: Gee, that would be swell of you Richard.

Durrell: You see Lucy about that Len…

Jenks: Oh Frank, I hear you and Warren had a fine time at the Clay Conference in Atlantic City.

Koucky: Well, Bill, as it turned out the conference was Atlanta, Georgia. I thought it was in Atlantic City until Warren drove 300 miles into Kentucky…I wondered why the field trips were planned for the Georgia Clay Pits.

Huff: (Strums guitar and sings) Ohhh it was sad, it was sad…

Jenks: let’s now have some reports on the G.S.A. Meetings in N.Y. last month.

Hofmann: I was in bed by 10:00 (yell out)

Caster: The Paleontological sessions stressed fossils too much and did not suitably investigate the Zoological aspects which are MOST important.

Larsen: Gee, Arie Poldervaart and I had a swell time, I didn’t have time to attend any papers, but Arie gave me the big picture…

Hofmann: I heard every paper and was in bed by 10 PM.

Sunderman: Frank and I had a swell time at the book company parties, right Frank?

Koucky: Room 2000 was better than room 790 (yells out)

Barbour: I wondered why I didn’t see any other faculty members for the first two days of meetings.

Jenks: Warren, what did you think of the New York meetings?

Huff: (Strums guitar and sings) … Oh, it was sad, it was sad.

Durrell: I have an appointment this afternoon, Bill, so I will have to leave early. What is the schedule for Doctoral exams this month?

Jenks: Oh, Richard, I’m glad you mentioned that; there will be four candidates this month; three hard rockers and one (ugh) paleontologist…

Caster: (Yells out as if mad) now see here Bill…

Jenks: We all know what we have to do. (draws name out of hat; holds up large paper with PALEONTOLOGIST written on it.)

Koucky: Who is the unlucky candidate Bill?

Caster: (Really mad) NOW SEE HERE, BILL!

Scene II

Geology Research Lab

(Enter Dr. Larsen and Dr. Koucky)

Koucky: (crossing legs and moving about)…Len, ah, would you sign me out on the Organic Separation Lab, I have to go pretty bad…

Larsen: Well, Frank, ah if you have been properly instructed in how to flush it.

Koucky: (yells) sign it quick...(runs out; later comes back)

(Enter Dr. Jenks)

Jenks: (Smiles) Ah, Len, what is in all these crates (points)?

Larsen: Those are diamond saw blades for the rock slabbing saw Bill.

Jenks: God, Len, how many did you order (yells out)

Larsen: A gross Bill, they were cheaper this way and besides, nothing is too good for the CRAZY MOUNTAIN BOYS.

Koucky: Say, Bill, do you think I could get $250 from the Bucher fund this week?

Jenks: (smile) what do you want it for, Frank?

Koucky: Well, Bill, I have had a few books out of the library for 2 or 3 years and the new librarian is holding my wife and kids hostage until I pay the fines.

Huff: (holding guitar) Say, Frank, wonder why it is that I’m not allowed to eat in the faculty dining room? Is it because I’m not a full Professor?

Koucky: No, ah Warren, I think the other Faculty members there have little desire to hear a HOOTENANNY during lunch every day.

Huff: POOBAH....

(Enter Dr. Sunderman)

Sunderman: Say, Frank, how would you like to be an assistant to the assistant Dean of the Evening College? The pay’s not too good but you have a couple of fine looking secretaries...

Koucky: Ah (scratches head) well Harvey, how does this fit into the BIG PICTURE?

Sunderman: Oh, it does fit into the big picture Frank; just think after a few years, Dean and then who knows, you might be elected Dean of the Graduate School. Tell me Frank, what would you do then?

Koucky: I’d fire Mrs. Chamberlain; you know Harvey, she tells our graduate students that I’m forgetful.

(Enter Dr. Caster, Running and yelling loudly)

Caster: Len, Frank, guess what!? One of my boys just got an honorable mention from the N.S.F.

Koucky: How about that, Ken? You know an honorable mention and a dime will get you a cup of coffee. (other faculty members laugh).

(Enter Dr. Hofmann)

Hofmann: Oh, there you are Ken; you have a long distance phone call from the N.S.F. people in Washington upstairs. You can take it on the phone here in the lab.

(Dr. Caster takes phone)

Caster: Hello, yes this is Dr. Caster;...yes one of my students did get an honorable mention and....IT’S WHAT?....A MISTAKE.... (mad, hangs up phone)

Koucky: What’s the matter Ken?

Caster: (really mad)...SHUT UP! (Leaves quickly)

Sunderman: (talking to Dr. Koucky) Say Frank, what has four eyes, four legs, four arms, and eats ants? ... Two uncles.

(They slowly leave together with Koucky scratching his head).

FINIS