University of Cincinnati

Christmas Party 1961

“All’s Well That Ends”

A play in ½ Act – with occasional footnotes

CAST OF CHARACTERS (Amen)

-In no special order (why bother?)

Fastidious Frank…………………………………………..…. (A Paleodontist)

Karpoid Eurypterid Casterian……………………………(Obviously a Greek)

Peri Glacial……………………………………...(A Landscape Photographer)

Lucy Redcoat………………………….(A Landscape Photographer’s Model)

Harvey Substage……………………………..(A Former Structural Geologist)

Turbid Swift……………………………………………...(An Organization Man)

Esper Lircon………………………………………..(A Famous Field Geologist)

Willard Replacement…………………………………………..(A Harvard Type)

PATRONS:

Papa Jenks’ Hydrothermal Noodle Soup: Savory sulfides mixed with Tangy Tuffs – Take a can into the field.

Lenny’s Secondhand Merchandise: Special! One carload lot of miscellaneous equipment (all real good science stuff) Found Oct 26^th, 9:00 AM, 4004 BC.

Fastidious Frank’s Leather Shop: Dealers in Exotic Briefcases

Richard H. Durrell for President of Friends of the Pleistocene (Ad sponsored by the Enemies of the Pleistocene).

All’s Well That Ends

( A play in ½ acts – with occasional footnotes)

Players are introduced by M.C. (Individually) – Turn to give audience view of sign on back Take seats (Individually) – After all seated (Except Sunderman and Koucky, who enter later)

Jenks: Well it looks like everyone is here.

Larsen: No, Fastidious isn’t here yet – wait – here he comes (Looks offstage)

(Enter Koucky, no sign, coat chalked up, many cigarettes, briefcase)

Koucky: Hello. (Unloads briefcase) (Everyone stares – Koucky takes seat)

Jenks: Well, how did everyone enjoy the convention?

All: Mumble, grumble, etc.

Larsen: I’ll have to look that question up.

Durrell: How about you, Will?

Jenks: Fine, until the house detective caught me smoking in the ventilation shaft.

Schmidt: What were you doing in the ventilation shaft?

Jenks: I was looking for the Penrose and Day medals.

Durrell: How did he ever find you?

Jenks: I’m sure J. Tuzo Wilson turned me in.

Larsen: Unh-uh. Arie would never do a thing like that.

Koucky: Say, Turbid, what did you think of that paper on sedimentary sulphides?

Schmidt: I thought it was fair.

Jenks: (with a typical grin) ROOOOOOOAAAARRRRHHH!!! (leaps at Schmidt and stabs him) Viva hydrothermal solutions! (in Spanish)

Koucky: Karpoid, as I came in I passed a fellow in the hall who was screaming something about you stealing his carpoids and other figured stones.

Caster: Did you happen to catch his name?

Koucky: I think he said his name was James Hall.

Schmidt: Say, just what IS a carpoid anyway?

Caster: (annoyed) Why it’s a shelter for small cars. (pause) which reminds me, do you know what a paleontologist is?

Schmidt: Sure, it’s a biologist who can’t stand blood.

Caster: (head on table, moaning) I give up, I give up.

Lucy: (offstage) Peri, I still think it’s Wisconsin. Why don’t you think so?

Durrell: I’ll send you a ten-word telegram about it.

Lucy: For that you get a zero for today (throws coat at him).

(pause)

Larsen: Uh, before we start the meeting, I’d like your opinion on an idea of mine. (someone brings in “paper now in progress” sign; Phase diagram and equation bit; he writes…) 3M plus AP/e of m (mu) equals mc squared.

(someone asks interpretation)

Larsen: Three martinis plus Arie Poldervaart on evolution of magma mass confusion squared.

Koucky: And how would the presence of zircons affect this?

Larsen: Uh, let me study that a while.

Koucky: Here, look it up in my magic book (produces Mickey Mouse book)

Jenks: Viva hydrothermal solutions (in Spanish).

Schmidt: Gentleman, I hate to leave but I have some important matters to take care of down the road. (Leaves with knife sticking through him).

Sunderman: (shouts after him) admit it Swift, you’re Daylighting again.

Durrell: Harvey, why do you have all that money stuffed in that bag and in your pockets?

Sunderman: Peri, you should know by now that I’m a lumper, not a splitter.

Durrell: I know, I just thought I’d stir you up.

Sunderman: Karpoid, you’re going to be late for your engagement, and you know Tappe won’t give you a ticket refund.

Caster: Yes, no doubt about it. Well, excuse me men. I have a luncheon to attend at the Hotel Metropole. (exits)

Jenks: Fastidious, have you returned the communications equipment to the GSA yet?

Koucky: (drawn out) Wwwwellllll….no. I’m still stripping them for parts.

Durrell: Say, Will, what does that “H” on your sweater stand for?

Jenks: (stands up, points proudly to”H”) Hydrothermal solution. Viva hydrothermal solutions! (in Spanish)

Larsen: I’m going to turn in that list of equipment we need to that nasty old NSF man. Does anyone have anything to add to it?