Christmas Play 1967

By: Anonymous Bosch

 

Faculty & Staff represented:

William Jenks

Harvey Sunderman

Frank Koucky

Wanda Osborne

Leonard Larsen

Warren Huff

Kenneth Caster

Richard Durrell

John Warren

Wayne Pryor

 

 

Prologue

Commentator: The time is the present, or there-abouts. The place is an office with many bound        volumes on the wallsÉObviously a place of great learning. Here, in the center of the room stands a large, heavy table, surrounded by chairs. The scene is obviously a faculty meeting, but where is the faculty?...

(Stage is bare except for a semicircle of 8 chairs, a box of hard hats in one corner, and a stack of library books in the other. Enter faculty and secretary, mostly carrying flight bags; all with haggard expressions. Maybe one with a suitcaseÉup to discretion of director. Great buzz of excitementÉ.Durrell, Jenks, Koucky, Larsen, Sunderman, Pryor all talk at the same time in low voices so that an indistinct murmur ensues)

 

Durrell: I have some great photos of the cloud cover over New Orleans, Atlanta, Chicago,         CincinnatiÉ

 

Larsen: Dirty cityÉHmmmÉAll that drinking going onÉhmmmÉ

 

Jenks: Nice to be back. Home sweet home. Good to be homeÉ.

 

Pryor: Wow! That was really a neat trip. I really like Chicago, anywayÉ

 

Sunderman: I love airplanes! Reminds me of that time during the warÉ

 

Koucky: Did anyone get to any of the meetings? I think someone I used to know actually gave a paper

(All take seats except for Warren, who sits on floor, with sad expression on his face.)

 

Jenks: WhatÕs wrong, John?

 

Warren: (Almost in tears): I canÕt see over the table!

 

Jenks: John, youÕd better go down to the library and get some books to sit on.

 

Warren: But, Dr. Jenks, sir, itÕs after five, and you know the LibraryÕs always lockedÉ

 

Jenks: (Pulls huge key from string around neck): HereÕs my keyÉon second thoughtÉIÕve got a huge stack of overdue library books over there in the cornerÉuse them.

(Warren puts a pile of books on the floor next to Jenks and sits on them. A loud rumbling noise is heard.)

 

Durrell: WhatÕs that?

 

Jenks: Must be the building again.

(All go over to a box of hard hats and put them on, then return to seats).

 

Jenks: Meeting comes to order. LetÕs say our little prayer.

(All mumble prayer indistinctly except for Caster, who sits bolt upright, smiling benevolently.)

 

Prayer: (Mumbled in unison so that individual words are not heard) We are the men that the whole world fears; We rape our women, we chug our beers.

 

Jenks: Secretary, read the minutes!

 

Wanda: 3:14 meeting called to order, 3:15 Said prayer, 3:17 considered old business, 3:18 considered new business, 3:19 motion to adjourn, 3:20 meeting adjourned.

 

Durrell: What happened to 3:16?

 

Wanda: A dog ate it.

 

Huff: What dog?

 

Pryor: HavenÕt you noticed, Warren, thereÕve been several wandering around the department?

 

Warren: IÕve noticed!

 

Jenks: Not now, John. (Pats Warren on the head) ItÕs obvious we have no old business; do we have any new business?

 

Caster: Point of order. I recommend we call it ÒNeobusinessÓ. ÒNewÓ is such a Gerontic phrase.

 

All others: WellÉif you insistÉ

 

Caster: (Grunts affirmatively)

 

Jenks: Do we have any neobusiness then?

 

Caster: Maybe we should call that ÒvirginalÓ business. After all, the business may not be ÒneoÓ. In fact, it may have been around for some days. Thus the aptness of the term.

 

Warren: Yes, I see your point.

 

Jenks: Not now, John, (pats Warren on his head). I believe for our present business, Neo will suffice.

 

Caster: HmmmmÉ..

 

Jenks: LetÕs seeÉunder new businessÉI mean neobusiness, of course, KenÉ We need to think about a new head for our departmentÉdoes anyone have any suggestions?

 

Larsen: I ÉahÉpersonally think the old one is quite sufficient. (All sit in embarrassed silence. Look at one another and shrug shoulders too.)

 

Jenks: (Breaking the silence) Oh come one now boys, we need suggestions. LetÕs seeÉAlphabeticallyÉKen, youÕre first.

 

Caster: Maybe the president has an idea (reaches for imaginary phone sitting on table; dials far too many numbers)ÉHello, Walt? This is KenÉ.(Long silence, then)ÉCaster, you fool! É(slams down receiver)ÉHe donÕt EVEN know nothinÕ!

 

All: (In unison monotone) He donÕt even know nothinÕ.

 

Jenks: OkÉ. Ah, Richard, maybe you have a suggestionÉ

(Phone rings, Jenks picks up imaginary phoneÉor just voice of Lucy from behind stageÉ)

 

Lucy: Now, Richard!!!

 

Durrell: (Not paying any attention): Has anyone thoughts of Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, and/or Smith?

 

Warren: NoÉwe need someone with a little moreÉmoreÉ.moreÉmoreÉzipÉ

 

Jenks: Yes, quite right, AhÉWarren, have you a suggestion?

 

Huff: Why, Sterling Moss!

 

Warren: Is that some gametophyte stage?

 

Caster: Do you mean Barney Oldfield, Warren?

 

Huff: (to Caster) Who, pray tell, is that?

 

Warren: NoÉWe need someone moreÉ.moreÉ.more structurally soundÉDr. Jenks, sir, do you have any suggestions, sir?

 

Jenks: (smiled) How J. Tuzo Wilson?

 

Durrell: No, I donÕt think so. He IS a Geologist, you know.

(Jenks smiles with relief, all others nod their heads and murmur knowingly.)

 

Warren: No, we need someone with a bit moreÉ.moreÉmoreÉanalytical mindÉ

 

Jenks: What do you think about that, Frank?

 

Koucky: How about Jarrell Ash, or even Perkin Elmer?

 

Caster: Poo-Bah!

 

Jenks: We DO need someone with a bit more human personalityÉ.

 

Warren: We need someone with moreÉmoreÉmoreÉsomeone who can withstand the high pressures of this officeÉ.

 

Jenks: Lennie, what do you think about that?

 

Larsen: Hmmm. IÕd write up a proposal and maybe the NSF will give us funds to study the situation in depthÉ.ahhhÉ.wellÉ.ahhhÉ.hmmmÉ.I had thoughtÉ.butÉ hmmmÉ.maybe better yet, we couldÉ.ahhh, nooooÉ..hmmmmÉ. I couldnÕt be sure of course, butÉ.weÉ.hmmmÉ..we definitely need more study!!

 

Warren: No matter who you may decide on, it will be much too late. We need someone moreÉmoreÉmoreÉmore current.

 

Jenks: Ah, Wayne, what do you think about that?

 

Pryor: What we need here is a womanÉ

(Caster jumps out of his seat, furious with rage)

 

Caster: Who in the hell do you think you are?

(Pryor turns around, then back, and shoves a babyÕs pacifier into CasterÕs mouth)

 

Pryor: Perhaps this silver pacifier will tell you who I amÉ

 

Warren: (Paying no attention): No, we need someone moreÉmoreÉmore universally oriented.

 

Jenks: Well, what do you think about that DeanÉDeanÉDeanÉ

Sunderman: What we need is to get one of the old Army Air Force  GeneralÉLikeÉahÉ General James Doolittle.

 

Caster: Whatever happened to Wilbur and Orville?

 

Warren: NoÉ we need someone moreÉmore...moreÉ(gets louder and more   excited)ÉmoreÉMOREÉ

 

Caster: (Suddenly seeing WarrenÕs train of thought, shakes his head negatively): NoÉ..NOÉ..NOÉ..

 

Warren: Someone who will tear down the columns of entrenched injusticeÉ(Caster starts turning red, mutters at same time throughout this part, continually increasing in volume): NoÉ..NOÉ.NOÉ.

 

Warren: Someone who will nip the oppositions of the administration in the calyx. (Caster is really sweating nowÉgets somewhat louder) NoÉnoÉnoÉ

 

Warren: Someone with a more radical outlookÉSomeone from the great wide wonderful westÉ.(Forgets where he is, becomes glassy-eyed with philosophical recollectionsÉ.) The treesÉ. HillsÉ. Rolling grasslandsÉ. Beautiful flowersÉ.

(Caster is now speechless and virtually frothing at the mouth with indignations)

 

Jenks: Later, John, later (pats Warren on the head)

 

Warren: Oh, all right. The one person who can lead our department from the depths of despair isÉ. (pregnant pause)É.MoreÉ..eÉ.ohÉ.. SavÉ.. eÉ..ohÉ.

 

Caster: (Suddenly puzzled, his indignation completely deflated): Who?

 

Warren: Why, Mario Savio!

 

Caster: (With evident relief) Thank God!

 

Jenks: (unimpressed with the whole drama): Gentleman, I fear we are not making any progress. Let us adjourn to the Vernon Manor.

 

(All walk out)