1965 Sigma Gamma Epsilon Christmas Play

Faculty represented:

William Jenks

Harvey Sunderman

Frank Koucky

Leonard Larsen

Warren Huff

Kenneth Caster

Richard Durrell

John Warren

Opening Scene: Dr. Jenks’ Office

Jenks: The weekly faculty meeting, in which all faculty members participate, is an important event in our week. We follow a carefully prepared outline and consider things which best illustrate principles discussed more or less abstractly in textbooks and lectures. All geologists, no matter how specialized their field, are students of phenomena of the “Crust of the Earth”. We must tie theoretical studies, laboratory experiments, and laboratory classification to actual conditions. We are very suspicious of the armchair geologist. (Pauses, smiles, and begins:) Gentlemen…are we ready to begin?

Sunderman: Have you seen Frank, Bill?

Jenks: No, is it important?

Sunderman: Let me assure you that it is! He’s got the mixer, and I can’t take this stuff straight anymore!

(Enter Frank)

Sunderman: Boy, am I glad to see you! Did you remember the mixer?

Koucky: (Fumbles through briefcase) Yes, I believe I have half a bottle of grape soda left over from the Michigan Trip…and uh…here’s some cheese from the GSA in Florida last year.

Jenks: Are we all here?

(All look around)

Huff: No, Ken’s missing.

Jenks: (Irritated) Where is he this time? Germany? Brazil?

J.W.: No, he’s over at the campus post office.

Jenks: Post office?

J.W.: Yes, it seems that when he was in Berkley a few years back he spent the weekends in Hollywood doing stunt riding in a Gaucho movie and when he left, he forgot to turn in his costume, so he’s gone to the post office to mail it.

Durrell: Why doesn’t he have his secretary do it?

Sunderman: Hell Dick, we can’t afford two secretaries.

(Enter Caster puffing a cigarette)

Jenks: Ken, did I see you smoking in the hall?

KEC: (To the side) I didn’t think I’d get caught. (To Jenks) Don’t worry Bill, I didn’t inhale it!

Koucky: Well uh…Ken, I didn’t know you were a movie star!

KEC: Why I am a man of many talents. I’ve been acting for years ever since our little Christmas plays at Cornell. However, I didn’t get my first romantic scenes until Yul Brynner came on the scene. How I thank that man! He played the most magnificent roles. He’s just simply superb.

Sunderman: How did the movie turn out?

KEC: Oh – they cut out all of the footage I appeared in. It was very bright and sunny on location and you might say that I outshone even Yul Brynner.

Koucky: (Rummages through his briefcase) Well…uh...Ken that’s too bad. Maybe you could try some of this war surplus camouflage make-up that I picked up at the surplus sales in Columbus.

(All laugh, but Jenks has become intensely irritated) (Jenks smiles.)

Jenks: Order! Order! I’d like to get this meeting under way. (Pauses as order is restored, then continues). As all of you know, the value of the equipment and collections, not to mention that of the Department’s library…

KEC: (Interrupts loudly) My library too!

Jenks: (continues) …is considerable. And, being housed in the oldest facility on campus, I need not remind you of the fire hazard. Be that as it may, I have repeatedly notified and emphasized to high authority that something should be done to insure the safety of our property.

Larsen: (Pensively, aside) I always wondered why the ceiling fell in two weeks after Bill wrote that letter.

Jenks: Last week, Richard Scheurer told me that he has a friend whose brother-in-law can install a sprinkler system for a shade less than 50,000 dollars, and I’d like to hear a discussion.

Huff: How could we finance it?

Larsen: I’ve found the N.S.F. conducive in the past.

Pryor: Yeah, or we could cut the annual field trip down to one day and double the fee for participating students.

Durrell: That reminds me Bill, how do you like your new armchair?

Koucky: (Rummaging through briefcase) We might be able to do the job ourselves and save some money. When I was in Columbus last month, I picked up a few thousand feet of copper tubing at a bargain (produces a sample. Koucky unloads briefcase, ad-libbing as he goes.)

Jenks: (Excitedly) Where is it Frank?

Koucky: Well, it used to be down in the Sed lab but evidently it’s been misplaced by somebody. I just can’t seem to find anything anymore. Well…uh…as a matter of fact…uh…I haven’t even seen my desk for three years!

Pryor: I believe I may have an alternative. Among other things, I was able to borrow some plans for a building from Gulf Oil before I left, and they might be of interest to you (unrolls plans and points) --- You see, William, your office would be at the end of the main hall. The hall could be lined with display cases and perhaps a representative column of the local section. The trouble is, I haven’t been here long enough to draw it up.

Jenks: We could get the people from Ohio State to helps us with the local section.

KEC: Humph! There’s little that we can expect from that group – their work consists of pure, unadulterated lithostratigraphy. They fail to recognize my subdivision of the Ordovician on the basis of Carpoid biozones.

J.W.: Ken, just what is a Carpoid? I’ve never heard of them in the treatise.

Sunderman: Why hell, John. That’s a garage for small cars.

Pryor: I thought we could have all the laboratory facilities in the basement, the staff offices and library on the first floor and classrooms and graduate offices on the second floor.

Huff: Is that large room the library? (points)

Pryor: No, I thought that’s where we’d put Richard’s telephone switchboard and tickertape machines (Pryor points). There’ll be one for the N.Y. Stock Exchange and another over here for the American Stock Exchange. In the corner we’ll have a radio so Richard can get the hog prices from Indiana.

Larsen: Is that building out back the repair shed? (Larsen points to a building which looks like an outhouse)

Pryor: Repair shed?

Larsen: Yes, for the red jeep! We try to keep it in tip-top shape at all times.

Pryor: No, that’s where I thought we could keep the fossil collections.

KEC: Impossible! It’s just far too small!

Pryor: Well, most of your fossils are small, and dating back to the Ordovician, it’s obvious they are of limited scientific value.

Sunderman: Let me assure you, that three wise men will appear on the horizon before they mean anything to me!

Koucky: How about me, Wayne? Where would my office be?

Pryor: Frank, We’ll put you out here – (points to a picture of a pig sty).

Durrell: I’d like to see a little bit more storage space, myself. The other day I tried to answer Huff’s phone and there was so much damn stuff, pardon my French, on his desk that I couldn’t find it… (mumbles) I just can’t understand it, he used to be so neat and tidy.

Koucky: Is that how you spend all of your time, Richard?

Durrell: Speaking of time, I’d like to ask if I could have another teaching assistant.

Jenks: I should think you would have enough, Richard.

Durrell: Well, my enrollment is up this year, and none of them has had time to cut my grass.

J.W.: How much do you pay? (to Durrell alone)

KEC: To get back to the building, it sounds like a terrific idea but we’ll have a tough time raising the money. Maggie Chamberlain in the Grad School is getting tight with the petty cash.

Durrell: That’s the trouble with most people these days. They aren’t willing to invest a second of their time to investigate the possibilities: they just wave the white flag and give up. Why, by the time they wake up to the facts of life, they’re in the autumn years, and it’s too late to change. Hell (pardon my French) I bet I could spend five minutes on the phone with some of our alums and get the sponsors for the project. Warren, you don’t have many class hours, why don’t you take a minute and run through the “Newsletter” mailing list? I know many people who would contribute.

Jenks: I’m sure that J. Tuzo Wilson would be glad to chip in his 2 cents worth. (excitedly)

Huff: Well, I’d like to, but I’d rather be free to come and go as I please.

Sunderman: Where do you go, Warren?

Huff: Well I’ve been spending some time on the road lately doing benefit shows for the John Birch society. Bill Flax and I are getting together to help impeach Earl Warren. As a matter of fact, Harv, I could use your help on this. Ken and Len have been good enough to let us use their houses for cell meetings.

All: (In unison) that’s wonderful!

Jenks: (alone) I like to see some outside interest on the part of the faculty. (Pauses)

Larsen: Bill, perhaps we could raise the money ourselves, I could talk about this for hours…Why, we could raise the money by having guest lectures and charge admission. I’d suggest that we have Norman Thomas or Bertrand Russell.

Sunderman: Hell, that’s a great idea Len – I’d like to suggest that we get Polly up from Winchester for an appearance.

Huff: Say, uh…don’t you think that this would be a lot of bother? Why not sell raffle tickets and give a turkey as a prize?

J.W.: Wouldn’t it be better if we got the wives to bake cookies and treats? We could sell them in front of the Student Union and at football games.

Jenks: (Interrupts) ---- Do you mean to say they still have football here?

J.W.: (continues) … we could also sell them at Dry Dredger meetings.

Durrell: What we really ought to do is to get the students to save their pennies…if you watch the pennies the dollars will watch themselves…a penny saved is a penny earned…we ought to get on the ball and save some coins real soon now that the government is making quarters out of copper….I just can’t understand these Democrats.

Jenks: Time is getting short. I suggest that we forget about the new building for a while and go on. Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?

J.W.: Yes, I’d like to ask about the Equipment check out procedure.

Jenks: Why don’t you explain it, Len?

Larsen: Well, (hesitates) I initiated this…procedure in order to protect the equipment from misuse at the hands of people who are not familiar with it.

Sunderman: Does that apply to the high-temp equipment, Len? (chuckles)

Larsen: Well, the procedure isn’t a panacea….

J.W.: If someone could help me unjam this mechanical pencil, I’d like to go down and sign in.

Pryor: Len, since I’m still new here I don’t have a clear idea of what you are doing with your high-pressure hi-temp apparatus.

Larsen: Well…uh… (rolls his head, acts confused and emotional) the whole idea came to me late one night. I had lain in bed awake for hours…I hadn’t had a productive idea all day. It suddenly hit me that if we had a high pressure, high temperature apparatus, we could synthesize our own diamonds. As of late, our diamonds have been disappearing from the saws in the basement.

Pryor: What are you making the diamonds out of?

Larsen: Uh…Frank bought 3000 pounds of rancid peanut butter at one of the Columbus surplus sales and it seemed to be the most available material.

Jenks: Before we go any further – here’s a notice from the boys in S.G.E. Remember how they used to sell bronze trilobites? This year they’re diamond studded. I’ll pass the notice around and you can read it.

Durrell: Where are the fellows getting the diamonds from, Bill? Maybe I could put some in the student mineral kits if they’re cheap enough.

Huff: No one seems to know, but they seem to have an inexhaustible supply.

Jenks: As long as we’re breaking in some new staff members, I have a few things to say to you, Wayne.

Pryor: Really?

Jenks: Yes. There are reports that you have been hanging around a bar in Cleves with some of your students. Is this true?

Pryor: That’s right, Bill, but I dig this bar the most!

Jenks: Well, we don’t like to be seen in questionable places with the students in this department.

Pryor: But Bill, this is a bedded bar!

Sunderman: You mean padded don’t you?

Pryor: No, I mean bedded.

Koucky: Hell, Harvey. That sounds like a good place. Maybe we could stop off on the way to the G.S.A next year. How did you run across it Wayne?

Pryor: I spotted it from the air while I was working with Gulf Oil.

Sunderman: I didn’t know you could fly, Wayne. Hell, I was a pilot myself during the Great War! How did you get started?

Pryor: Well, Gulf Oil likes to groom her men for administrative jobs, and I was placed in the advertising department.

Jenks: That’s pretty far removed from Geology. What did you do?

Pryor: Sky writing.

Jenks: I have another matter to bring up here. This morning my secretary handed me quite a large purchase order signed by you, Len. What in the world do you need a six-month supply of crackers, cheese, and buttermilk for?

Larsen: Well (hesitates) with the world situation in the state it is…I’d like a safe place to take my family if trouble should start, and my office looks like an ideal location for a bomb shelter.

Warren: Is that why the concrete trucks have been milling around down there?

Jenks: I see! Well, I guess we’ve covered everything, and it’s getting late…

Durrell: I move that we adjourn to the Vernon Manor for a roast beef sandwich.

Sunderman: I second. I like mine extra dry, with an olive, shaken but not stirred.

KEC: I think I’ll go over to the faculty dining room and see some old friends. (Koucky et. al. get up, agreeing the Vernon Manor sounds fine. Then caster says to John Warren) Are you coming John?

Warren: No, I brought my lunch today! I think I’ll go down and eat with the students again.

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