(Christmas Party – 1964)

Sigma Gamma Epsilon

Presents

“Midnight at Miami”

(And some other bare facts)

Starring:

Harren Wuff

Frank Xtal

Harvey Humperdinck

Richard Durress

Bill Jinx

Leonard Limpet

Hansel Hoffmeier

Other Attracting Features

Sally Tetrahedrite: “Look at that doubly twinned crystal” – Geotimes

Molly Malachite: “Gee if my wife saw…she’d be green with envy” – Anonymous

Polly Pyrite: “Dig that cleavage” – A.A.P.G. Bull.

Betty Bornite: “Terrific luster and colorfully presented” – Rock Hound

Tilly Tektite: “The girl with outer space” – Star Gazer

Heddy Bergite: “No microscopic description necessary” – American Mineralogist

Opening Scene – A theater (burlesque) in Miami

(Burlesque type music playing offstage)

Announcer: (Offstage) – And now for the first time in Miami, may we present Sally Tetrahedrite and her all girl revue!

Jenks: Are we all here?

Larsen: I’m here, Bill.

Hofmann: By Gar I am here Bill, but what are the dark glasses for?

Jenks: Shhhhh….there may be some students here.

Durrell: You’d think they’d be able to get these shows started on time. Punctuality is no longer a virtue. Students don’t seem to care about these things, they don’t seem to realize that early to bed, early to rise will make a man healthy, wealthy, and wealthy.

Huff: (enters singing Argille Scagliose)

Jenks: Where are Frank and Harvey?

Huff: The last I knew they said something about stopping outside at the Gayety Chili Parlor before coming to see the show.

(Sunderman and Koucky enter laughing. Sundy pops some Sen-Sen into his mouth)

Jenks: (smiling) where have you been?

Koucky: (Slow) Well, we stopped off for a bowl of chili.

Sundy: (interrupting)…Let me assure you, they serve a fine bowl of chili.

Jenks: Before the show gets under way, I thought I might remind you that the Christmas party will be held at my house this year.

Hofmann: By gar…is that right

(One of the girls begins her act)

Durrell: (Mumbling to himself while coming his hair)…Students are like streams – I don’t know why they’re like that – they tend to drift along the misty flats.

Harvey: (laughing) Say Frank, isn’t that Sally Tetrahedrite?

Frank: Well (slow)…she’s doubly twinned, she must be.

Huff: Speaking about the Christmas party, Bill, the fellows are hard at work on a Skit.

Jenks: Did you get their names?

Huff: They’re keeping it a pretty big secret this year. It isn’t easy to find out since Hans the janitor got transferred.

Larsen: er…ah…I’ve been thinking…that we’ve lost the Christmas spirit. Remembering the true significance of the occasion and the long tradition of the Geology dept. we ought to try to have the proper Christmas spirit at these annual parties.

Harvey: I’m all for spirits, let me assure you Len (pulls out bottle)

Huff: I’m sure that the fellows will be willing to share the spirit with you Harvey (students in audience hold up glasses. “Hear”)

Hofmann: Say there Harvey, did you enjoy your airplane ride down? My flight was a little rough.

Sundy: Hans, I didn’t fly this time. Frank and I took a bus. We thought we’d do some Geology on our way down to Miami. You know that saying “Take a bus and leave the Geology to us.” (laughs).

Jenks: Is that why they’re calling you “Freedom Frank?” (Looks at Koucky)

Koucky: Well…I wouldn’t go so far as to say that.

Huff: Say, taking a bus sounds like a lot of fun. I bet you did a lot of geology on the way down here.

Koucky: Unfortunately, we had 2^nd class seats and since the bus was crowded, we had to stand all the way and I didn’t get to look out the window.

Huff: (turning to Sundy) Harv, how did you enjoy the ride?

Koucky: Harv enjoyed it real well, except that he kept snatching the controls from the driver…

Hofmann: Frank, didn’t you say that you were going to dress up for the GSA meetings?

Koucky: Well…as a matter of fact Hans, I put a spare shirt in my briefcase for just an occasion as this. Unfortunately, the Florida Dept. of Agriculture put my briefcase in quarantine when we came across the state line.

Hofmann: Why would they quarantine your briefcase? Is that the regulation?

Koucky: Well…you see it’s like this. I had my son’s ant farm rolled in a tube of X-Ray data. It got turned over and the ants got into the cheese which I’d saved from the Great Smokies last summer.

Durrell: (Interrupts…makes motions like he’s taking a picture). I must get a picture of this to show my class.

(Another stripper comes on stage)

Sundy: Say Frank…isn’t that Molly Malachite? Boy, if only our wives could see her…they’d turn green with envy.

Durrell: (puzzled) I just don’t understand it….I pulled the tab and pushed the button and how in the world (pardon my French) did I get a picture of Koucky and Slabber?

Huff: Say, do you have a camera Dick? Could I see it?

Larsen: Don’t you have a camera Warren?

Huff: I have one, but I ran out of money and had to leave it with a pawn broker.

Larsen: What are you going to do without it?

Durrell: My wife Lucy is of the opinion that every geologist should have a camera.

Huff: As a matter of fact, I am building my own camera from parts Frank brought back from Columbus. (Visual gag) – (Show how he’ll make camera – asks to borrow safety pin from women in audience)

Larsen: (Breaks in absentmindedly) – I’ve been wondering about our curriculum at U.C. ever since I came here 8 years ago. I’ve been deeply concerned. We ought to offer the students new frontiers in Geology. We should be part of the coming GREAT SOCIETY. We ought to organize a Marine Station here in Florida. Why I’d be perfectly willing to teach a course in techniques of fishing. Say Black Bass I, Sailfish II, or Advanced Tuna.

Hofmann: Say there Len – you’ve got a good idea there – but maybe you should choose other fish. They hydrodynamic characteristics of the airfoil of these fish is hardly characteristic of the Kope formation. Besides, do you think the Dean would approve?

Sundy: Let me assure you that I AM a Dean, and I approve. I could teach fly tying.

Durrell:… (puzzled as before) I can’t understand it. I set the focus and I set the F stop and all I get is Koucky and Slabber (pardon my French)

Lucy: (Off stage)… If you’d only listen to me Richard…that camera is just too complicated.

Durrell: What we don’t realize is that some of the most interesting geology is right in our own backyard. Some people travel around the world and miss the simple things we have here. It’s like the man who keeps climbing the Mountain to get a better view of the valley. He climbs higher and higher but when he gets to the top of the mountain he’s so far away that he can’t see anything. (pause) Besides, my wife and I were in Florida last year at Christmas and there was no snow. Somehow it didn’t seem like Christmas. Rather than traveling to the far ends of the earth, it would be so much better to establish our field station in Ohio. The students could save their pennies and take a bus to the crypto structure. My wife and I were going over our monthly budget and we discovered that we won’t be able to make ends meet unless we incur a tax loss and drop into a lower bracket. We’re going to buy the crypto structure and donate it to the University. (Larsen takes megathinker award from his lapel and gives it to Durrell)

Sunderman: Does it have any trout streams?

Durrell: Bill, you’re chairman. If you’ve got a minute, why don’t you organize it?

Hofmann: buying the crypto structure is a good idea – the students could carry on a detailed mapping program at a scale of one inch to one inch.

Larsen: I agree – that’s a good idea. To map a rock is to know a knock.

Jenks: Organizing to buy the crypto structure may present problems. The Graduate School hasn’t been too happy since we took the money out of Scientific Supplies to come down here.

Larsen: It seems to me that there is a movement to limit freedom of the individual to speak and travel wherever he wants for the sake of humanity and science. I become frightened by the possibilities of this for the sake of my children. It’s like an all-powerful monolithic society. This is just too terrible to comprehend. I could just talk for hours on this.

Hofmann: Even the students don’t realize how important the GSA meetings are. They are serious business. You have to stay up late, study the papers, attend the meetings, and meet other geologists. A fellow has to get plenty of rest and keep a clear mind so he can attend ALL the papers.

Jenks: Hans…did you really hear ALL the papers?

Hofmann: (embarrassed)… er…I missed three.

Harvey: (laughs) Why that’s how many I attended.

Koucky: Well you got me by one Harv.

Durrell: Don’t worry about the report, Bill, I’ve got connections. I’ll get on the phone and take care of it. The Dean and I attend the same church, he’s a fine man. He’ll understand. I’ll stir him up a little.

Jenks: While you’re at it Dick, could you take up the matter of the 4-day fieldtrip with the Dean? He said something about discontinuing the field trip; but it is such a firmly established tradition of the Dep’t. that I’ve been able to stall him off.

Durrell: (To Sundy) – Harv, you’re the field geologist; when are you going to lead one of these 4-day field trips. We need a new outlook on the trip. You could stir up the students. We need to get them out of doors and look at things.

Jenks: Would you want to make a motion of this Dick?

Durrell: I make a motion that Harv leads the next 4-day field trip to Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.

Harvey: (interrupts) Let me assure you that a Dean has a lot to do, I have to get up early, attend meetings, meet parents, teach courses and do research. Incidentally, I’ll have to leave in a few minutes for a meeting at the Hotel Deauville for a roast beef sandwich.

Jenks: Then you decline, Harv?

Harvey: Let me assure you I DO.

Koucky: Bill, did Mrs. Jenks ever find out who Polly was?

Jenks: (smiling) I’ve been in worse towns, Frank.

Durrell: Bill, my wife and I were thinking that the accommodations on the 4 day field trip weren’t too good. We had the bridal suite at the Hillsboro Hilton; and we’re too old for that sort of stuff.

Jenks: That hotel wasn’t really that bad. I’ve been in worse places. Hans, did you enjoy your rooms in the Hillsboro Hilton?

Hofmann: I had a room there but did not stay. I could not read my guide book by kerosene lantern. There was not enough light.

Huff: Say Hans, I wasn’t there either. I found a place down the road that served simply delicious jelly sandwiches in their dining room.

Larsen: Well, I didn’t stay there either, I’m ashamed to say. I lay awake all night thinking about it.

Koucky: Er…I didn’t get much sleep either, but for a different reason.

(Harvey laughs and slaps his knee)

Larsen: Why? Did you work on your field maps? I worked on mine before going to bed. I feel that to map a rock is to know a rock.

Koucky: Well, Len, it wasn’t quite that way.

Harvey: (with enthusiasm) Bill, let me assure you that this is the best meeting of the GSA yet.

Hofmann: I agree. This is better than the meeting of the tribes in CHIBOUGAMOU.

Huff: (sounds anxious to leave): Say, it’s late and I’m getting hungry. Frank, how was the chili in that place outside?

Larsen: I agree Warren. I’d love to get back and study my maps and guidebook. I want to be alert when Rowan gives OUR paper tomorrow.

Koucky: Come on you two. The night’s still early…besides, this is educational; look what this did for Harvey.

(Stripper throws something out)

Jenks: What’s happening? What’s she doing now?

Durrell: I wish I had film left for my POLAROID camera.

Huff: I wish I had A camera.

Hofmann: If we stay here much longer, we’ll be late for the morning session.

Huff: Maybe we should leave now and find a place where we can eat something.

Harvey: Warren, let me assure you that the candy here is fine, and besides you get a prize in every box.

Huff: How about a camera?

Hofmann: (Acting annoyed) I think we should go back to the hotel now. The GSA meetings are serious business. You have to stay up late….

Harvey: (interrupts) Let me assure you Hans, but we ARE up late and I AM studying.

Hofmann: But not the papers…

(stripper throws something out)

Harvey: You study what you want and I’ll study what I want.

Durrell: Well Hans, why don’t you take a cab back? You can charge it off to the Bucher fund.

Hofmann: By myself in a taxi it would cost five dollars “AMERICAN MONEY”.

Larsen: Hans, I’m sure we could get you the money from Scientific Supplies.

Hofmann: Perhaps I should take the bus like Frank and Harvey; but I’d have to get a first class ticket so I can see out the window and see the geology; otherwise the time would be wasted.

Koucky: (slowly) well, it isn’t quite that way, Hans…the hotel is only a ten minute ride away from here.

Harvey: Let me assure you Frank that I can understand how Hans feels. A field geologist should make use of every moment in the field.

Jenks: (nervous) Aren’t those some of our students over there? (pointing.)

(Everyone turns and looks in the same direction.)

Durrell: We’d better get out of here Bill, before they see us.

Jenks: Call me Charlie…call me Charlie…no names please.

Huff: (points) we’d better go out this way.

Jenks: Oh, oh…if those are our students, this is SURE to be in the Christmas SKIT.

(All leave stage. There is silence. Two students enter, one picks up program left on seat)

1^st Student: That was lucky getting seats here in the front row.

2^nd Student: Did you see those guys? They sure left in a hurry.

1^st Student: (looks at program) What’s this? William F. Jenks…. (two students look at each other and shrug) Uh HUH…. (makes note in note pad)

THE END.