(Christmas Party – 1964)
Sigma Gamma Epsilon
Presents
ÒMidnight at MiamiÓ
(And some other bare facts)
Starring:
Harren Wuff
Frank Xtal
Harvey Humperdinck
Richard Durress
Bill Jinx
Leonard Limpet
Hansel Hoffmeier
Other
Attracting Features
Sally Tetrahedrite: ÒLook at that doubly twinned crystalÓ –
Geotimes
Molly
Malachite: ÒGee if my wife sawÉsheÕd be green with envyÓ – Anonymous
Polly
Pyrite: ÒDig that cleavageÓ – A.A.P.G. Bull.
Betty Bornite: ÒTerrific luster and colorfully presentedÓ –
Rock Hound
Tilly
Tektite: ÒThe girl with outer spaceÓ – Star Gazer
Heddy Bergite: ÒNo microscopic
description necessaryÓ – American Mineralogist
Opening Scene – A theater
(burlesque) in Miami
(Burlesque type music playing offstage)
Announcer: (Offstage) – And now for the first time in Miami,
may we present Sally Tetrahedrite and her all girl
revue!
Jenks: Are we all here?
Larsen: IÕm here, Bill.
Hofmann: By Gar I am here Bill, but what are the dark glasses for?
Jenks: ShhhhhÉ.there
may be some students here.
Durrell: YouÕd think theyÕd be able to get these shows started on
time. Punctuality is no longer a virtue. Students donÕt seem to care about
these things, they donÕt seem to realize that early to bed, early to rise will
make a man healthy, wealthy, and wealthy.
Huff: (enters singing Argille Scagliose)
Jenks: Where are Frank and Harvey?
Huff: The last I knew they said something about stopping outside
at the Gayety Chili Parlor before coming to see the show.
(Sunderman
and Koucky enter laughing. Sundy pops some
Sen-Sen into his mouth)
Jenks: (smiling) where have you been?
Koucky:
(Slow) Well, we stopped off for a bowl of chili.
Sundy: (interrupting)ÉLet me assure you, they serve a fine bowl of chili.
Jenks: Before the show gets under way, I thought I might remind
you that the Christmas party will be held at my house this year.
Hofmann: By garÉis that right
(One of the girls begins her act)
Durrell: (Mumbling to himself while coming his hair)ÉStudents are
like streams – I donÕt know why theyÕre like that – they tend to
drift along the misty flats.
Harvey: (laughing) Say Frank, isnÕt that Sally Tetrahedrite?
Frank: Well (slow)ÉsheÕs doubly twinned, she must be.
Huff:
Speaking about the Christmas party,
Bill, the fellows are hard at work on a Skit.
Jenks: Did you get their names?
Huff: TheyÕre keeping it a pretty big secret this year. It isnÕt
easy to find out since Hans the janitor got transferred.
Larsen: erÉahÉIÕve been thinkingÉthat
weÕve lost the Christmas spirit. Remembering the true significance of the
occasion and the long tradition of the Geology dept. we ought to try to have
the proper Christmas spirit at these annual parties.
Harvey: IÕm all for spirits, let me assure you Len (pulls out
bottle)
Huff: IÕm sure that the fellows will be willing to share the
spirit with you Harvey (students in audience hold up glasses. ÒHearÓ)
Hofmann: Say there Harvey, did you enjoy your airplane ride down? My
flight was a little rough.
Sundy: Hans, I didnÕt
fly this time. Frank and I took a bus. We thought weÕd do some Geology on our
way down to Miami. You know that saying ÒTake a bus and leave the Geology to
us.Ó (laughs).
Jenks: Is that why theyÕre calling you ÒFreedom Frank?Ó (Looks at
Koucky)
Koucky:
WellÉI wouldnÕt go so far as to say that.
Huff: Say, taking a bus sounds like a lot of fun. I bet you did a
lot of geology on the way down here.
Koucky:
Unfortunately, we had 2nd class seats and since the bus was crowded,
we had to stand all the way and I didnÕt get to look out the window.
Huff: (turning to Sundy) Harv, how did you enjoy the ride?
Koucky:
Harv enjoyed it real well, except that he kept
snatching the controls from the driverÉ
Hofmann: Frank, didnÕt you say that you were going to dress up for
the GSA meetings?
Koucky: WellÉas a matter
of fact Hans, I put a spare shirt in my briefcase for just an occasion as this.
Unfortunately, the Florida Dept. of Agriculture put my briefcase in quarantine
when we came across the state line.
Hofmann: Why would they quarantine your briefcase? Is that the
regulation?
Koucky:
WellÉyou see itÕs like this. I had my sonÕs ant farm rolled in a tube of X-Ray
data. It got turned over and the ants got into the cheese
which IÕd saved from the Great Smokies last
summer.
Durrell: (InterruptsÉmakes motions like heÕs taking a picture). I
must get a picture of this to show my class.
(Another stripper comes on stage)
Sundy: Say FrankÉisnÕt
that Molly Malachite? Boy, if only our wives could see herÉtheyÕd turn green
with envy.
Durrell: (puzzled) I just donÕt understand itÉ.I
pulled the tab and pushed the button and how in the world (pardon my French)
did I get a picture of Koucky and Slabber?
Huff: Say, do you have a camera Dick? Could I see it?
Larsen: DonÕt you have a camera Warren?
Huff: I have one, but I ran out of money and had to leave it
with a pawn broker.
Larsen: What are you going to do without it?
Durrell: My wife Lucy is of the opinion that every geologist should
have a camera.
Huff: As a matter of fact, I am building my own camera from
parts Frank brought back from Columbus. (Visual gag) – (Show how heÕll
make camera – asks to borrow safety pin from women in audience)
Larsen: (Breaks in absentmindedly) – IÕve been wondering about
our curriculum at U.C. ever since I
came here 8 years ago. IÕve been deeply concerned. We ought to offer the
students new frontiers in Geology. We should be part of the coming GREAT
SOCIETY. We ought to organize a
Marine Station here in Florida. Why IÕd be perfectly willing to teach a course
in techniques of fishing. Say Black Bass I, Sailfish II, or Advanced Tuna.
Hofmann: Say there Len – youÕve got a good idea there –
but maybe you should choose other fish. They hydrodynamic characteristics of
the airfoil of these fish is hardly characteristic of
the Kope formation. Besides, do you think the Dean
would approve?
Sundy: Let me assure
you that I AM a Dean, and I approve. I could teach fly tying.
Durrell:É (puzzled as before) I canÕt
understand it. I set the focus and I set the F stop
and all I get is Koucky and Slabber
(pardon my French)
Lucy: (Off stage)É If youÕd only listen to me RichardÉthat camera
is just too complicated.
Durrell: What we donÕt realize is that some of the most interesting
geology is right in our own backyard. Some people travel around the world and
miss the simple things we have here. ItÕs like the man who keeps climbing the
Mountain to get a better view of the valley. He climbs higher and higher but
when he gets to the top of the mountain heÕs so far away that he canÕt see
anything. (pause) Besides, my wife and I were in
Florida last year at Christmas and there was no snow. Somehow it didnÕt seem
like Christmas. Rather than traveling to the far ends of the earth, it would be
so much better to establish our field station in Ohio. The students could save
their pennies and take a bus to the crypto structure. My wife and I were going over our
monthly budget and we discovered that we wonÕt be able to make ends meet unless
we incur a tax loss and drop into a lower bracket. WeÕre going to buy the
crypto structure and donate it to the University. (Larsen takes megathinker award from his lapel and gives it to Durrell)
Sunderman:
Does it have any trout streams?
Durrell: Bill, youÕre chairman. If youÕve got a minute, why donÕt
you organize it?
Hofmann: buying the crypto structure is a good idea – the
students could carry on a detailed mapping program at a scale of one inch to
one inch.
Larsen: I agree – thatÕs a good idea. To map a rock is to
know a knock.
Jenks: Organizing to buy the crypto structure may present
problems. The Graduate School hasnÕt been too happy since we took the money out
of Scientific Supplies to come down here.
Larsen: It seems to me that there is a movement to limit freedom of
the individual to speak and travel wherever
he wants for the sake of humanity and science. I become frightened by the
possibilities of this for the sake of my children. ItÕs like an all-powerful
monolithic society. This is just too terrible to comprehend. I could just talk
for hours on this.
Hofmann: Even the students donÕt realize how important the GSA
meetings are. They are
serious business. You have to stay up late, study the papers, attend the
meetings, and meet other geologists. A fellow has to get plenty of rest and
keep a clear mind so he can attend ALL the papers.
Jenks: HansÉdid you really hear ALL the papers?
Hofmann: (embarrassed)É erÉI missed three.
Harvey: (laughs) Why thatÕs how many I attended.
Koucky: Well you got me
by one Harv.
Durrell: DonÕt
worry about the report, Bill,
IÕve got connections. IÕll get on the phone and take
care of it. The Dean and I attend the same church,
heÕs a fine man. HeÕll understand. IÕll stir him up a little.
Jenks: While youÕre at it Dick, could you take up the matter of
the 4-day fieldtrip with the Dean? He
said something about discontinuing the field trip; but it is such a firmly
established tradition of the DepÕt. that IÕve been
able to stall him off.
Durrell: (To Sundy) – Harv, youÕre the field geologist; when are you going to
lead one of these 4-day field trips. We need a new outlook on the trip. You could
stir up the students. We need to get them out of doors and look at things.
Jenks: Would you want to make a motion of this Dick?
Durrell: I make a motion that Harv leads
the next 4-day field trip to Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.
Harvey: (interrupts) Let me assure you that a Dean has a lot to
do, I have to get up early, attend meetings, meet parents, teach courses and do
research. Incidentally, IÕll have to leave in a few minutes for a meeting at
the Hotel Deauville for a roast beef sandwich.
Jenks: Then you decline, Harv?
Harvey: Let me assure you I DO.
Koucky: Bill, did Mrs.
Jenks ever find out who Polly was?
Jenks: (smiling) IÕve been in worse towns, Frank.
Durrell: Bill, my wife and I were thinking that the accommodations
on the 4 day field trip werenÕt too good. We had the bridal suite at the
Hillsboro Hilton; and weÕre too old for that sort of stuff.
Jenks: That hotel wasnÕt really that bad. IÕve been in worse
places. Hans, did you enjoy your rooms in the Hillsboro Hilton?
Hofmann: I had a room there but did not stay. I could not read my guide book by kerosene lantern. There was not enough light.
Huff: Say Hans, I wasnÕt there either. I found a place down the
road that served simply delicious
jelly sandwiches in their dining room.
Larsen: Well, I didnÕt stay there either,
IÕm ashamed to say. I lay awake all night thinking about it.
Koucky:
ErÉI didnÕt get much sleep either, but for a
different reason.
(Harvey laughs and slaps his knee)
Larsen: Why? Did you work on your field maps? I worked on mine
before going to bed. I feel that to map a rock is to know a rock.
Koucky: Well, Len, it
wasnÕt quite that way.
Harvey: (with enthusiasm) Bill, let me assure you that this is the
best meeting of the GSA yet.
Hofmann: I agree. This is better than the meeting of the tribes in
CHIBOUGAMOU.
Huff: (sounds anxious to leave): Say, itÕs late and IÕm getting
hungry. Frank, how was the chili in that place outside?
Larsen: I agree Warren. IÕd love to get back and study my maps and
guidebook. I want to be alert when Rowan gives OUR paper tomorrow.
Koucky:
Come on you two. The nightÕs still earlyÉbesides, this is educational; look
what this did for Harvey.
(Stripper throws something out)
Jenks: WhatÕs happening? WhatÕs she doing now?
Durrell: I wish I had film left for my POLAROID camera.
Huff:
I wish I had A
camera.
Hofmann: If we stay here much longer, weÕll be late for the morning
session.
Huff: Maybe we should leave now and find a place where we can eat
something.
Harvey: Warren, let me assure you that the candy here is fine, and
besides you get a prize in every box.
Huff: How about a camera?
Hofmann: (Acting annoyed) I think we should go back to the hotel
now. The GSA meetings are serious business. You have to stay up lateÉ.
Harvey: (interrupts) Let me assure you Hans, but we ARE up late
and I AM studying.
Hofmann: But not the papersÉ
(stripper
throws something out)
Harvey: You study what you want and IÕll study what I want.
Durrell: Well Hans, why donÕt you take a cab back? You can charge
it off to the Bucher fund.
Hofmann: By myself in a taxi it would cost five dollars ÒAMERICAN
MONEYÓ.
Larsen: Hans, IÕm sure we could get you the money from Scientific
Supplies.
Hofmann: Perhaps I should take the bus like Frank and Harvey; but
IÕd have to get a first class
ticket so I can see out the window and see the geology; otherwise the time
would be wasted.
Koucky:
(slowly) well, it isnÕt quite that way, HansÉthe hotel is only a ten minute
ride away from here.
Harvey: Let me assure you Frank that I can understand how Hans feels.
A field geologist should make use of every moment in the field.
Jenks: (nervous) ArenÕt those some of our
students over there? (pointing.)
(Everyone turns and looks in the same
direction.)
Durrell: WeÕd better get out of here Bill, before they see us.
Jenks: Call me CharlieÉcall me CharlieÉno names please.
Huff: (points) weÕd better go out this way.
Jenks: Oh, ohÉif those are our students, this is SURE to be in
the Christmas SKIT.
(All leave stage. There is silence. Two
students enter, one picks up program left on seat)
1st
Student: That was lucky
getting seats here in the front row.
2nd
Student: Did you see those guys?
They sure left in a hurry.
1st
Student: (looks at program) WhatÕs
this? William F. JenksÉ. (two students look at each
other and shrug) Uh HUHÉ. (makes note in note pad)
THE
END.